samples of a brighton thirty something

ok week sixteen of second time round

2009-12-12T02:38:00.000-08:00

Hi guys its second time around for me, not posted in ages as been busy with home life etc.

This time im off work 16 weeks in to second try at therapy and wow im HCV negative - work are trying to get me to go back - and dont understand that i still need to complete the course of meds. I am seriously worried because first lot of treatment i worked and it rebounded at month ten after never really hitting negative - now its really working and i am convinced that itr is the lack of stress and pressure and the ability to rest when needed that is killing the virus.

Any hows hope all is well

lewis

The Yearning Tree

2008-07-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

Hi guys how you doing? its been a while since i wrote in you in fact nearly a year has gone by. The fact of the matter is that my life has changed beyond recognition.

My treatment failed and so i am still co infected with HIV and hep c however i met an amzing man, a german called joerg and we are very much in love. We have been together nearly a year now, and although everything is fine i have given my partner Hep C and i am now supporting him through hep c treatment, so i thought i would give you an update on my thoughts, feelings our ups down and the best thing of all a little bit of fantasy.

I have called this section the yearning tree, because although everything is great, i wish i earnt more money, i wish joerg hadnt got hep c and i wish in general that we could have the things that we fight so hard for, so im going to sprinkle a little bit of my special brighton fairy dust on this section and incluse some short stories, poetry and just a little bit of kinky fantasy on a life less ordinary so i hope you like. speak soon my fellow peeps, see you soon.

brighton Pride 2007

2007-08-14T13:38:00.001-07:00

wow

PRIDE:a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

2007-08-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

ok guys well it was brighton pride on the 4th of august and oh what a day it was!

The theme this year was musicals so i thought it was appropriate to post the picture of the part of the parade where there were about 50 dorothys! singing yellow brick road lol. it was a sight!

The parade also encompassed floats with the lion king, rocky horror show, and my personal favourite, the phantom of the opera!!!

About 150,ooo people attended and it always ends up at preston park where there are bars, a fair ground, a chill out area and glorius food.

On the saturday there was a street party in the evening, people were dancing naked on the bus shelters lol and the sunday was a more civil affair with stalls and bbq's all in all a fab weekend.

It was such a great day guys, and is everything that brighton stands for diversity , tolerance and above all respect for fellow humans.

Love is a human right

hugs

lewis

giving, getting, going

2007-07-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

ok i havnt wtirrten in my blog for a while, so this could be a long one!

Unfortunately for me the Hep C treatment hasnt worked, i managed 32 weeks of treatments but apparently the virus had reappeared after 20 weeks in to treatment.

As you have probably gathered it sent me rather loopy, but since i have stopped treatment i have come back more or less to my normal self.

Because the hep c was caught in the accute phase i dont have any liver damage and the hospital are keeping a close eye on my. Apparently they dont get many people like me - go figure.

So what have i been up to? Well i have been enjoying the return of my life really, i have been on a few dates, which has been nice, but strange, and going out with friends, and although i shouldnt have i have been partaking in a few drinkies.

But things are quieting down now, and the old things that used to bother me have returned, my weight has returned with avengence but unfortunaltely i am learning that i cant get away with eating cheesecake anymore, and now that i am not struglling through combination therapy, i am struggling with all the old habbits, smoking, being bored with my job, and generally being a grumpy old git!

This has taught me alot, gosh i didnt realise how nutty i had actually got while on treatment and god do i value my sanity! The hospital have asked me to set up a support group which i intend to follow through on.

I have been on the commercial side of health care for 10 years, and after my experience it is time to give something back. I am dealing with the hep c nurse at the moment to see what we can get organised, because there isnt a gropu in brighton.

And you might wonder what the picture is of above, well its a drawing of part of the village that i was bought up in in worcestershire, a little known place called inkberrow in worcestershire. I thought it was appropriate, because the hep c experience has truley bought me and my family closer together.

I have just had the most lovely weekend, i drove to shrewsbury and went to a gathering of the online support group, next time i will bring a camera, it was lovely to meet you all. I was nervous when i met you all, but within a couple of hours started to feel at home, next time i want to spend more time to get to know you all, but being in the midlands i felt the need also to go and see my family and my little nephew, who is just sooooo cute!

So just to finish off, just to let you know my post treatment hep c belly is growing, so i am doing the half marathon for the sussex beacon HIV charity in brighton. Raise some money and loose weight. I am dusting off my trainers, getting back in touch with my trainer and lets see what happens. i may have a couple of the nastiest bugs known to man, but it aint going to stop me moving forward. This new positive outlook is primarily due to certain members on the forum and family and friends, who without you all, i dont think i would still be here.

Life is strange and interesting, you start out when your younger thinking you can shape your life, but in the end its your life that shapes you. x

hugs

lewis x

back to work!

2007-06-09T04:34:00.000-07:00

well its saturday morning, and ive had my first week back at work sice going off sick at the beginning of may!

It hasnt been that bad, but again i havnt worked that hard, really spent the time doing paperwork, and seeing a few customers.

Next week is going to be the real challenge, this is when i have loads of appointments, seeing clients and business meetings, so we shall see how it goes!

My boss was out with me on thursday and told him exactly what i had got, he stated that if im starting to feel crap, i need to tell him, he would rather me have the odd day off sick, rather than getting chronically fatigued and having 4 weeks off. So things could be on the up.

My boss has historically been very bad deaqling with sickness, but think occupatonal health have got to him.

I can tell you it is quite weird having the ogre be nice!

hugs

lewis

a bit of light refreshment

2007-05-31T23:20:00.000-07:00

Gosh i wish i had a cock that big hehe!

Ok has some bad news on wednesday afternoon, my hep c viral load has shot back up and am seeing the hep c nurse this morning.

It is strange, but i think i might be slightly relieved as well as a mixture of guttedness!

I have not been a complete angel on medication and some might say you silly bugger, but to be honest on the whole i have tried my best.

I work on my own, and live on my own, and so now and again have gone out and had a mad week end. This has involved the odd drink and other intoxicating substance, but i have dealt with alot of shit since july last year and it has been my coping mechanism, my pressure gage.

I have shut myself away enough over the last six months, because medication has made me uncertain, insecure and lacking in confidence. Most of the time i have been scared of leaving the house and had turned into a paranoid nutter.

By going out and having a little shandy or two i have been able to deal with social issues and get out the house for a change, it has been my relief, my steam release.

But now im faced with the news that my viral load has shot up. The nurse thinks it is due to other medication i am on which has stopped the hep c medication working, so they are going to do another pcr test this afternoon.

So what are the choices i face right now?

Well tonight im due to do my 29th shot, which means i have 20 weeks of hep c meds left.

I think the questions i need to ask are the following

1) if i am a little angel completely and utterly for the next 20 weeks, am i going to be driven mad by the isolation and am i going to clear the virus?

2) I have now changed my other medication so will this make a difference to the hep c med effectiveness.

3) At 12 weeks i was not undetectible, but had had a 2 log drop as required?

4) Am i classed as a slow responder and if so would they consider 72 weeks of treatment?

5) The nurse said this could be a false result could it be? how likely is this?

well i dont think i have been that big a cock, but you decide!

hugs

lewis

xxx

ok and now for todays news

2007-05-30T14:20:00.001-07:00

ok had the results of my PCR today and the virus has broken through big time, its back in the millions and i really do not know what to think.

In a way i am lucky, i caught this early, and i dont have liver damage yet, it will be 20 years before that happens, so in a way i have to count my blessings. it doesnt stop my head being all over the place though.

My neutrophils are rock bottom and this week, the last week before going back to work, i have had a severe tooth and gum infection, i am on antibiotics for it and just feel really shit, have had nasty stuff coming out my mouth and am totally fed up!

Have got to go back to see the nurse on friday to discuss further options as this could be a blip caused by other medication that i am on. Im trying not to get upset, but to be honest, the hell i have been through the last six months just makes me so fucking angry, i always knew there was a chance this would not work, but was assured i had a very good chance.

all i can say at the moment is bollocks. to be honest i am totally numb .

Anyway im signing off cos just dont know what else to write.

lewis
xx

cor blimey!

2007-05-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Don't panic!

Literally just posted the last one, but thought id just let you guys know, just by expressing this, i feel tonnes better, or should i say a few pebbles lighter - thanks Jae, chrissy and Uncertain.

Think im going to try and get some kip again, its now nearly 2am and hopefully getting it out, means ill get some sleep tonight.

big hugs

lewis

theres something not quite right

2007-05-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Theres something not quite right tonight

Thoughts running through my head

lay here in the quiet and dark

sheets clinging to my legs

Can you see? Whats running through my mind

The darkest thoughts, to leave it all behind

These things arnt safe, god where is the good?

My mind plays tricks, thoughts of gushing blood...

Sweat trickles down my spine,

the darkness seeping in

Where is unconcious bliss?

Enduring the passing time

Can you see? Whats running through my mind?

The darkest thoughts to leave it all behind

I hold out my hands, pleading in my bed

Cos all is done, but i dont want to be dead

Laying here in the night

knives run around my head

just had a vivid thought,

graphic way to end up dead

Can you see? Thoughts running through like lead

A Car, the sea, my life , my soul

the car hits a barrier, a pole

flys up smashing into my head

These thoughts are the darkest wine

Of blood and violence i find

Whats wrong with life,

why cant dying be kind?

Can you see? Thoughts running through my mind?

the darkest things, to leave it all behind

These things arnt safe, when all is said

The darkness comes when sleeping in my bed.

Isolated virus killer

2007-05-22T16:02:00.001-07:00

wow found this on you tube, pretty much describes everything

hugs
x

Hmmmmmm!

2007-05-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Cor ! This medication they give you for hepC is toxic Stuff. Started Anit - depressants monday, as really been having nutty side effects hit me.

Very dark thoughts, and a place that i don't want to go to very often.

Had a really lovely weekend planned, was driving up to Worcester to see my sister tonight, and gorgeous little nephew, stay at mum and dads, and then drive up to the hep C forum on saturday, however my collective brain cells had another idea.

Watching holby city last night, and looked around the flat, been quite under the weather recently, so not been my usual efficient self. The flat is a state, and im due back at work monday, and i started to think of all the things that would have to be done in order to achieve all my goals, but can't cos i am physically and mentally knackered! My heart starts racing, panic attack ensues. i go to bed and start having very nasty thoughts.

Finally get to sleep, wake up this morning (think i finally fell asleep about 4am!) at six thirty and just for an instant everything was ok. Then the same horrible feelings began to invade.

Its like an insipid black fear that crawls down your shoulders, drips down your back and makes you shudder! A fear and depression that nothing is alright and everything is wrong.

You worry about what people think of you, whether you look strange, in fact everysort of self doubt available, piles on you like a tonne of gravel and to get out you have to remove it pebble by pebble.

Rang my parents told them i wont be coming up had a panic attack
Messaged some dear friends on the forum to appologise for cancelling - they rang me, the little sweeties, panic attack ensuing. big hugs to yuo both!

I think your amazing!

Rang my sister, and work colleague and got myself off to the doctors - this shit is fucking strong!

Spoke to my GP, explaining, he knows my history! Signed off for another two weeks.........

He did suggest a small does of an anti psych drug, but refused saying ill see what the Anti depressants do! Woah!!!!

Deep breath right now!

So get back home, finally starting to feel the pressure is off, i can get through this my own pace and own way. Decide to have a bath. Shave my head, generally try and be bit more in control, possibly considering cleaning the flat, at least it is only one job, one step forward and not a tonne of gravel all at once.

My mother rings, mum if you read this, take note!

I know they love me and want to be there, however my mother says " Were coming down tomorrow to give you a hug!"

Would love it, but - i look at the flat, think of allthe work i have to do, what i will have to do in order for me to feel comfortable with my family coming down, and instantly

Oh my god - washing - loads of it, cleaning -loads of it, self grooming - loads of it, actually every job in the house really, and instantly THAT PRESSURE IS BACK! again, rather than one job, 20 jobs and that black oil begins to flow!

So mum if you read this and i think i expressed it on the phone but just incase your still thinking to show up tomorrow.

The only control i have right now, because of this medication, is that i can get through this in My own way, and at MY pace. And as much as i want a hug, let me come up and get one, let me get one when i decide and when im mentally prepared.

I love you all deeply, but put this extra pressure on me now, and my control goes away.

So calling my sister later to reinforce that point, and if they do appear tomorrow morning, iknow it is done for a good reason, i will be very angry.

Hugs

From lets hope the cipramil kicks in soon!"

Gay Pride Brighton 2006

2007-05-16T06:50:00.001-07:00

i love this town

side effects

2007-05-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

Im in the bathroom , looking down the bowl

,feeling very sick and incredibly old

i knew what i put down there, just an hour before,

it wasnt very pretty, diarhoea is a bore.

So the rented accomodation i live in now

is getting to know me, my insides take a bow

Ive put on the most incredible show

toilet humour galore and my insides now glow!

Im taking imodium, motilium they said

its a stop and start gamble, due to the meds

I need some strategy, to begin to cope

cos along with my inerds, ive flushed down my hope.

What will the future hold for someone like me

Do they make a mobile toilet, with a built in TV?

I cant go more than thirty paces from the loo

do they make a harmorhoid cream with built in superglue?

So keep on smiling from the top to the bottom,

Cos inside im gurgling, and feeling quite rotten

So what will my doctor say on thursday morn?

My triglycerides are through the roof, i feel full of scorn

Blood tests for this, blood tests for that

ALT's, LFT's, Haemaglobin some more

CD4, viral loads,my veins are so sore

So here on the toilet, my butt is sat.

Im not after sympathy, or a sideways glance

but just to express, have my cheeks got a chance?

I hope all is well to you heppers on here

cos to me your all very very dear!

hugs
lewis

slightly more cake mix

2007-05-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

Were really concerned about you, martin said to me

Its definately the effects of the medication for Hep C

Martin the nurse looked me in the eyes and frowned

Ive been doing this job for ten years, you look drowned.

Your half way through lewis, this is a wake up call

you will not make it, your ready to go up to the roof and have a great fall

Intensley i replied i knew i was there, end of my tether, full of fruit

But if i could i would carry on as long as i could, looking rather cute.

Not having it! you will end up dead, dont look at me like that,

I may be a gay nurse, but im not a total pratt,

With my guise not working ive excepted the fact,

That if i dont start AD's, i will not last.

So i have done them a deal, in my mind at least

A 24 week PCR to find the number of the beast,

I am starting cipramil on monday morn,

my pride says im cheating, full of self scorn

We discussed the decision to keep going or stop,

depending on results, finally a fair kop!

I have slightly more fruit in my cake mix these days,

I can come and go ,but my plum mix stays.

They want me to start an on treatment group

With my experience as a rep, to keep patients in the loop,

Im well up for this, and always welcome change

Just hope the ADs, stop me feeling so strange

hugz lewis

they call her smellie ellie - thats her name dont wear it out

2007-05-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

Listen to me, listen to me, won't you shut up and chill?

I want to tell you of this girl i know, who i think is absolutely brill.

Her name it escapes me, but one think i know

she has this heart of gold, but i think shes desperately trying to come in from the rain,

and trying to not catch cold.

I Think as we get older, and realise the road we walk, if there are some aspects we are not happy with,

it helps to have a good cry and talk.

I hope she wont mind me posting this, because she is so dear to my heart,

That when she is feeling rough and insane,

it feels like elliot and E'T as they dance in the same place and part.

So my darling dear, if you read this theres

one think to take

You were the first real friend i made in Brighton

dont be so hard on your self,

we can all make mistakes!

I will love you forever my sweetie,

my parallel universe wife

Smile untill your face hurts,

dance till you steam

and get bolloxed like lisa, its only one life.

See the picture down here, its pretty insane,

like a voice thats not being heard

its title 's the human condition, maybe its not so absurd.

So big hugs my fellow old raver, no more are the free parties of old,

But i know deep down inside me, that my darling believe it - YOUR GOLD!

hugs

lewis

so here it, life goes on before me

2007-05-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

I wake from my slumber, a glimpse of sunlight
bottled, and bright, and painful
It hurts my eyes, my soul, my heart
with a throbbing, thats there and dull.

Its another day, this world has bought,
i hear the trains as they rumble past,
wrenching dreams and hopes from those
who have these damn viruses that last.

We have hep c virus, the devil incarnate
to deal with, slay and berate
some may be coinfected with HIV as we wait
on the life stage with fate.

Injections and medications, potions and tinctures galore
What is it that we did in a previous life
i hope we had, fun, frollicks and more.

As i open my eyes to this world out there
people buzzing and whirling and rushed
i am inside my box with its windows
afraid to go out and be pushed.

Were they pushed, did they jump or just fall
from the heavenly stage we're meant to atain,
Were we stabbed in the heart with a virus gun
our soul spreading the pavement with stain.

Ribivirin, interferon, kaletra
and kivexa; poisonous hope
reach deep down inside me,
grab these viral rough cowboys and grope.
Wrench them from my baterred body,
throw me down again
My Tattered soul of beginnings,
my innocence crying in pain

As i open my eyes on this dim light of day, another day begins,
as i push at the walls of my confinement
they begin to push back and gain.

The furniture begins to move inwards, the television begins to fall
Its these damn viral infections inside of me
that form such a tall inpenitrable wall.

So here it is, the state of play, the game on the chess board of life
Are you a rook, a bishop, a king ,queen or a pawn
in need of a very sharp knife.

These black and white squares confuse me,
Which way shall i move, which strategy take?
For its ultimate chess i must play,
where the stakes are our lives or insanity strives
A guess, a direction i must make.

So as i open the curtains and look outside,
the city breathes in and moves, it looks forward, always forward
And i sit in my box far removed.
I have been stolen from time, plucked, placed apart
Waiting for these viral infections to die

It is me, you and them where this fight does begin
This final battle of will
For my heart will not die, will not wither not go
Its the curse of forward motion,
just stay, rest and be still.

hugz

Volkswagon banned tv commercial Bollocks

2007-05-10T00:56:00.007-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0a06gsiF4

mmmm! possibly how i feel, i am a gemini!

Bjork - All is Full of Love

2007-05-10T00:56:00.005-07:00

mmmmm! possibly how i feel, but this is an amazing video

Rob Dougan - Furious Angels

2007-05-10T00:56:00.003-07:00

mmmmm! possibly how i feel.x

rob dougan

2007-05-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

Wow this viseo is amazing and the song just about tells it like it is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDi9OeJqwG4

also this one by bjork, im a gemini so im sort of switching between the two at the moment, sure im bipolar!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA

tried to post from you tube but for some reason technology escapes me today.

hugs

guys

lewis

xx

oh god

2007-04-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

OH GOD......

WHERE ARE YOU KNOW?

AND WHAT YOU GONNA DO

ABOUT THE MESS IVE MADE?

IF THERE WAS EVER A SOUL TO SAVE

IT MUST BE ME

DEAR GOD.....

OH HOW CAN I SURVIVE?

WILL I MAKE THIS DROP THIS DIVE?

WHEN IT ALL COMES TO THIS

IM LOOKING DOWN AT THE ABYSS

WHERE YOU DONT EXIST

YOU DONT EXIST

BUT IF YOU HEAR ME

IF YOU CAN SEE ME...

I KNOW I CANT BE THAT STRONG

COS EVERYTHING I EVER DID WENT

WRONG

EVERYTHING I EVER DID WENT WRONG

OH GOD

NOW WHERE DO I COME IN?

GONE AND BROKEN EVERYTHING

SO I HOPE YOULL UNDERSTAND

IF SOMEONE NEEDED A HELPING HAND

IT MUST BE NOW

ANNIE LENNOX

theres a hole in my bucket dear liza

2007-04-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

ok, something is definately going on, woke up this morning, yeahee back to work, but took the executive decision to work from home because i have loads of paper work to catch up on.

have taken my new tablets, but alas where the fuck is my boundless energy.

Surely it will come back, but i feel like myself and my energy have had a lovers tiff, it has stormed out (it has abandonment issues), and alas has not returned!

I have put posters up in the local neightbourhood, but no one has seen my lost energy. Think i will have to give it up for lost, and go to scottish power and see if i can pick up a new one thats obviously been abandoned by its previous owners!

The sun is like a big nuclear power station so think i will go and sit in the garden and do a supermanesque absorption technique!

It didnt work though, just got too hot lol.

Well if you see my energy walking doiwn the road ( last seen with a brown stick and red hankerchief bundle over its sholder - containing my brain), please ring the missing energy helpline, i hear they helped enron no end!

hugs

xxx

hep c ditties

2007-04-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

RIBA RAGE

Work and Hospital, a two pronged attack

social injustice, no longer the knack

i can feel this emotion deep inside

supressing the feeling, no longer can hide.

am sat at this computer, off sick again today

but work colleagues ringing, answer for pay

this feeling is burning, like gavisconesqe pain

its coming to the surface, think its going to rain

The fxxxxxg little shits, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

cant you see im in bed ON MY RIBA THRONE

Fxxx OFF YOU BASTARDS, JUST GO BURN IN HELL

DEVIL FORKS UP THE ARSE AND YOUR SOUL TO SELL!

The boss he is there, like a constant throb

just hit out and feel my fist in your gob

hospital dont do a half way PCR

FEEL LIKE RUNNING THEM OVER IN MY GORGEOUS MOTOR CAR!

So when will this pass this feeling of rage

ive heard herbals work, rosemary, clary and sage

JUST THROWN CUSHIONS AROUND MY BEDROOM

LEARNED NOT SO THROW HARD THINGS, THEY COMEBACK TOO SOON.

So this redness, this greyness, this Fxxxxxx MAROON

this rage will not settle, i know im not a loon

FOR GITS SAKE THE WORLD CAN JUST TURN ROUND ONCE MORE

As i grab my bosses throat, and increase the pressure some more.

hugz lewis xxx

love and light, strength and MIGHT

the train, was chuffing up the hill

the trail of steam made it look ill

the dark tunnel came from round the bend

depression and illness my mind will send

the light the love, the strength the might

the train went in out of sight

came out the tunnel into the light

the light the love the strength the might

A fairy came with magic wand

from shropshire hills the light the love a special bond

The train fell level no more hill

, green feilds and water, from fairy sheilds

It rested at the station, long

untill the time table sang its song

the steam blew out, the wheels turned

and off up the hill the engine churned

the love the light the fairy gave

caused a rest, its sanity saved

so up the hill the engine ran

its steam restored, it will it can.

hugz lewis xx

OTHER HEPPERS RIBA RAGE

the sky did darken, the birds took flight

brimstone fell, and god took fright

cos facing up the bell going bong

first round fight so right but so wrong

its stells and jon boy punch and block

the snipers tongue, flicks and locks

this magnamic tussle of mammoth gods

its zeus and idepus the little sods!

Written in the skys this titanic clash

who will win or scratch my rash!

the battle commences the colluseum falls

for its jonboy and stells,

god theyve got balls"!

hugz lewis

FOR CHRISSY

As the sun rises over the craggy rock face

the smugglers hear an atherial noise

is it the crashing of the cornish waves

as they listen and smell and poise.

They wait in antisipation, there breath moist on the air

Theres a flicker a whizz and a mischaevios cackle

they lunge back feet wet, and stare!

golden light, like flickering medalions

a cornish treasure to behold

its worth more than the leprechauns, or the pot of gold

theres a whizz in the ear, their hair stands on end

a thousand sniggers and such,

its the queen of the pixies

and smugglers beware' for theres nothing to be done

well not much!

For all rages and anger and bad deeds, disipate from the smugglers minds

In stead they think of carrott cake, or mischaevous chocolate finds.

They rush out the cave with their loot far behind,

their minds in a stupor and grind,

for now its an obsession, a task, a quest

for a police uniform they must find!

So this is for that cornish delicacy, so very special and rare

Its the light of that golden flicker that brings you back to care

Policeman up and down the land will warn you of her tricks

she will take photos of you in the bath, for its how she gets her kicks.

So heppers one and all tonight sleep soundly in your beds

for derby brings that flickering light ,

of the pixie doing her thing

its that gorgeous mind and naughty glint, that chrissy she will bring.

for sans tenerife venture

2007-04-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Sans,

after your offer of providing a holiday home for you in teneriffe, i forthwith pledge my lifesavings of £1.40 several buttons and some bellybutton fluff.

However i do have several rich german friends who promise to be good as long as they can bring their towels.

ps. This is me with one of my best friends on Holiday in Amsterdam.

The pic on the left is me with my towel removed

hehehe

possible temperal shift

2007-04-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know, i went to see an NHS councellor yesterday, being refered from the hospital, to learn how i can control the feelings of anxiety and panic attacks when at work.

The guy was by himself, and it took 15 minutes of me ringing a buzzer at an obscure door at the back of a small theatre and then ringing a constantly engaged phone of which i eventually got an answer before being let in!

He explained that his colleagues were off sick and he was buy himself, but sit down.

He then explained that this was a triage session to determine the help i needed.
He asked whether i had

a) feelings of hopelessness .......tick

b)feelings of anxiety.............. thats what my referal said didnt it?

c) Did i have suicidal thoughts.......tick

d) What stopped me killing myself...........well that would be because i have the largest penis in the world and it would be a waste!.......mmm perhaps self worth?????

e) He then asked me to explain what happened when i had a pani.........sorry lewis the phone ringing have to answer it(this happened at least 5 times in 40 minte interview)

f) What coping mechanisms did i already have?????.......wasnt that why i was there to learn some??????

g)Phone ringing again......did i mind????

h)he then asked me to explain my dark thoughts to which i explained right now i was thinking of grabbing the phone and the computer he was using, stuffing it up his jacksy and then jumping on his belly till i got a broad band connection whereupon i could log on and get to this forum....my one true coping mechanism.

He then asked me to look through several work books on anxiety and panic attacks which are designed for you to work through and get you thinking why your gremlins are talking to you.

oh he then asked if i heard voices that wernt my own. I said constantly.....especially when i go out side :twisted:

to this he looked concerned, asked if i thought the work books would be useful, i replied in the affirmative.

he went to photocopy them and came back appologising because he had only managed to photocopy half of one work book before the photocopier broke down.

Not only does he now do broadband, he spouts complete pages of bollocks!

just remember people........

if anyone can; cannon can!
hugz
lewisxxx

ok im knackered

2007-04-19T04:44:00.000-07:00

Well its official, i am shattered, have done two evening meetings this week, one meeting on Tuesday night was at the Restaurant the Hungry Monk, beautiful food with a speaker on Osteoporosis, which i sell a product to, and the one last night was for a launch meeting for a new study on COPD or chronic obstructive lung disease in laymans terms which i also sell a product for.

The one last night went really well, but i have been planning and preparing for it for about a month. My manager came, and he totally swings with the wind, one day my name is mud, the next im great and very professional.

I posted this picture, because its the aircraft life jacket diagram, advising passengers if they need more air in their life jacket, they can top it up.

Could someone top me up please!, i am meant to have today off, but the hospital has rung, and i have to go educate 18 GP's on respiritory disease.

No rest for the wicked, and if there are any sexy men out there?...........

I CAN BE VERY, VERY WICKED HEHEHE!

oh my god, william has split from kate!

2007-04-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

Thats right you bitch run and hide. No wonder kate has split from william, i mean after all, who would want to join a family, where they have constantly been inbred for a thousand years, they all have a familiar look to a horse, and you get obtrusive flashes almost everyday!

I thought it was about time i wrote, as over the weekend didnt really feel like it! Woke up this morning, and this news story was every where.

It really pisses me off, i mean there are somany problems in the world and this is the headline story. As far as i am concerned people should earn and value their position in life, not just be handed it on a plate.

i have met so many inspiring people on the hepc forum facing life and its advirsity, that to be honest i really couldnt give a flying toss about whether william has stopped boning his st andrews student shag.

Think i might have the riba rage, but jesus christ.

Its the same when you watch the local news and you get a story like 15 people killed in school fire, then afterwards a story about how a cat gave birth to 15 kittens. "dont worry people life really is cute and fluffy".

Cute and fluffy my arse, but to the royals with their hightened position in life what pressure do they really have other than prince william having to spend £5000 the other night on his bar bill to get over kate. Oh Oh thats such a lot of pressure, ddamn, now ill have to go out next time and spend 10 grand oh the pressure i can't handle it, my fuckin arse!

They want spend just one day in the shoes of myself and some of the people going through medication for hep c, then they will know what life means!

Actually think im going to write to the BBC, have a new idea for a programme " royal swap". This would be a primetime programme where the royals would really earn their money. For example, the queen would swap with a toilet attendent from waymouth. Prince phillip would readily accept a position as a polish immigrant fruit picker, and harry and william would readily go pick coccles in morcambe bay.

just think of the ratings!

Jose Gonzalez - Hints

2007-04-15T07:50:00.001-07:00

this is such a beautiful song, makes me go all sh

The Hours Movie Trailer 2002

2007-04-14T01:04:00.001-07:00

to know life for what it is, to know it, to love it, and then put it away.....

to know life for what it is, to know it to love it then put it away.

2007-04-14T00:59:00.001-07:00

i am posting this clip of the hours today, it is one of my favourite films and i shall probably watch it today.

It is about three women going through some tough times and to me it is about how they deal with the hours in life. do you count them down?

They are each in there own way dealing with life but the central theme that links the three stories is vaginia wolfs book, mrs dalloway, a story about a woman who everyone thinks is happy, because she is always throwing parties, but inside and in between the soiree's, she is dead, there is no soul left no fight. Can kind of relate!

god im being mordlin today

The Hours Movie Trailer 2002

2007-04-14T00:56:00.001-07:00

to know life for what it is, to know it, to love it, and then to put it away.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - 50 First Dates

2007-04-14T00:36:00.001-07:00

how im feeling today

somewhere over the rainbow

2007-04-14T00:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sILPuEPGoFI

Watch this gorgeous video and song, trying to post it from you tube. Really strange, woke up this morning with it in my head.

I new it was from the film fifty first dates, but gosh how weird to wake up with it in my head. Went to the hospital yesterday, have to go on more medication because have not had good results.

am in bed, so tired, managed to finish work yesterday, and really havee tried, but that was just four day week, next week is a five day week and ive no idea how im going to get through it. im just going to get through it as best i can.

Fuck, lifes shit at the moment, but maybe my trouble will melt like lemon drops.

hugs

lewis

the forbidden link

2007-04-09T14:27:00.000-07:00

What a great day today on the hepc forum bless you all, and good luck to carol.

Here for all you heppers is the link to the angels in america scene between emma and meryl.

Think we should call it angelgate!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iT7lnohhEU

naughty me!

An American Tail

2007-04-09T01:20:00.000-07:00

ok ,havnt written in you for a while, so this is going to be a long one and sort of a weird one too!

Well after my week off work i went back feeling refreshed and ready to crack on! The fact that i only had four days to go untill my american friend came over had nothing to do with the fact that i was in a good mood!

I booked a hotel on Brighton Seafront because i only live in a studio flat, and also a fishermans cottage in the gorgeous cornish village of Polperro.

We met in Madrid in October 05 and Sparks flew. Since then we had been phoning and emailing reguarly. A very Handsome guy who was coming to spend ten days with me! Or so i thought.

He arrived on the friday, and what became quite apparent on the first night as i sat in the local Gay pub watching him eat face with someone was that this perhaps was not going to be what i expected!

It culminated on the Sunday night, (we were supposed to be driving to cornwall on the monday morning), with us going for a lovely meal and chat, i suggested we go back to the hotel for a quiet drink, he wanted to go to a gay bar so again we ended up in the Bulldog, where there was a friend of mine. The bar closed about 1am and i offered my dutch friend who we met in the bar a lift home as we were going in his direction. My American friend invited him back to the hotel. We sat in the bar having a few more drinks and quite a good chat, then as it was getting late, so i suggest its time to get some shut eye! My American friend then causes a fuss with the hotel porter that our guest cant come up to the room. I try and sort it out but it transfixes that we need to pay an overnight rate for him. Meanwhile my american friend and dutch mate who we met that night have gone to the room. I go up to tell " American" that "dutch" cannot stay i catch them getting off with each other as i walk in.

Im thinking hang on a minute we were meant to be spending time together wernt we??

" American" goes down to the hotel foyer to sort it out! The guy stays the night but its late so we fall asleep. Three in a bed! i am not happy im perched on the edge of a small double in a hotel room i payed for! I fall asleep.

I wake up about 5.30am to find them fumbling with each other in the bed next to me! I Blow my top!

I dont know whether the meds im in exacerbated it but it was pretty out of order anyway. The dutch guy left with American asking him not to!!! HOW FUCKING RUDE!!

American turns to me and says im out of order i tell him to fuck off .......so the holiday is going well!

I get up about 7am and phone my mate, on the hotel stairs to discuss whats happening, is this out of order or because of the meds am i being nasty - the conclusion is that the American is being cheeky and this is not what i signed up for!

I go back into the hotel room, pack the rest of my stuff. He is still in bed. I give him the riot act but give him the choice " look in going back to my flat for a sleep, if you still want to come to cornwall give me a call, i will be leaving by 10am". I dont actually leave till midday, but nothing, infact by the time i reach polperro in cornwall its 5pm still nothing.

I have a peaceful week, reading, drawing the beautiful scenery, eating seafood in local pubs, but it is tainted!

I leave on the friday morning, get back to brighton - still nothing. I check my emails on sunday night and there is an email written on the friday offering to meet for a drink and discuss what happened before he leaves on the sunday. He has already left, i write a fairly balanced email considering what has happened, nothing back.

We obviously wanted different things from this holiday, i just wish he had been up front. His last mail before he came over told me how sexy i was, how he couldnt wait to spend time with me - go figure!

So you live and you learn,

Heres to America - may you eventually get it right!

lord of the universe, medical reps and the very occaisional chocolate bar

2007-03-18T03:10:00.000-07:00

Well back at work tomorrow, i have really needed this week off, as the psychological effects of the meds was really taking its toll.

Have had the week relaxing chatting with friends, but generally being a slob lol.

I am starting to feel more myself although i dont know how i will feel when i get up tomorrow for work as this week has really taken the pressure off!

I have some work to do today as still havnt sent of invites for my meeting so that is imperitive today.

Thought the comic strip was appropriate as its little calvins imagination he is of course lord of the universe, but of course a dark lord and overseer lol. Well i dont feel lord of the universe, but certainly more in control of how im feeling and how the meds are going to effect me.

I am only at work for 4 days this week then on holiday till the thirtieth of march with my american friend www.orangepaperbike.blogspot.com, really hope it goes well as havnt seen him in nearly two years, and i know hes been going through a lot of change, i know i certainly havelol.

So seeing the GP tomorrow to see if i need to sort out anti depressents so i can cope with work and med side effects, we shall see what happens.

After all no experiences in life should be wasted or regretted if it adds to the person you are.

Big Hugz

leatheradventurer.

negative earth

2007-03-17T01:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, i had just written a humerous masterpiece, but with the lack of fisherprice buttons on my computer i wiped it before saving. Clever!

Had my shot of interferon last night, and went to the dinner party, and it was lovely company, but alas my dream man still remains exactly that, a dream........ maybe i should start a relationship with my reflection in the mirror, my friends cat seems to love it!

For the last few weeks now i have been having trouble waking up, now im usually a morning person waking up 5 minutes before the alarm at 6am, springing out of bed like a russian ballet dancer, making my breakfast and lunch, and getting in the car by 7am while still managing to forge a renoir and make a lifesize copy of the statue of libeerty.

Recently its been " aghhh god no", going back to sleep waking again at 8am going "shit shit shit", while rushing to the car still with toothpaste on my face , and generally running over the lolly pop lady at the end of the road, convinced that her sign she holds in her hand, reads" your late, run me over dont worry!" She's so selfless!

So on my week off ive been letting myself wake naturally usually about 9.30am, but TODAY; SATURDAY! i wake at 5am, after dreaming that i was blowing up the Brighton Grand like the IRA did in the 80's. If only id managed to blow up Margaret Thatcher i would be a happy man.

So i am sat on the sofa watching Kids Tv like spongebob squarepants and Kim possible. Which is actually quite an inspiration. The people that created these shows must have done some serious psychadelic shit and still they have made millions! There is hope for me yet! Think im going to do another shot of interferon - just for medicinal perposes obviously!

links and injections

2007-03-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

Ok just want to say thank you to all the support from people in the hepc forum, i feel like my luck is in!

Im just about to do my 18th/19th injection i forget which, because my head is so .......sorry think i have amnesia! Who am i, why am i sat infront of this screen.......only joking! ha had you didnt i?

ok may be not!

Meant to be going to dinner party tonight, with friends but ill see how i feel after shot, mind you it should be ok, because 2 of them are also on treatment, so we can be nutters together.

I am trying to put links on my profile at the moment but you will have to bear with me, as ive read the help edited the html, but its just taken the standard google links off there.

Where is that representative from google, surely he will be knocking on my door any minute to help me, surely disney bunnies can sort out my computer for me, and snow whitesque birds will be bringing my interforon shot to me............... oh thats right,......... i remember............ i got up this morning, shot them, made a fir coat, and the birds are now locked in cages being force fed, thats right fois gras tomorrow!

( i do not condone fois gras and the way it is made, but boy it is delicious!)

Anyway apparently my luck is in so maybe ill meet the man of my dreams at this dinner party, hope he is similar to the guy above...... i can offer him a a bar of cadburies whole nut!

2007-03-16T04:38:00.000-07:00

The Death Star Has Landed

2007-03-16T03:16:00.000-07:00

Have woken up this morning, feeling like a puddle on the floor, my motivation has left the building, looked out the window this morning and several pigions dropped dead on the patio simply from looking at them! Wonder if i could have the same effect with my iranian neighbour who kept me awake till 2 am last night listening to his rhythmic shagging and his girlfriend occaisionally shouting "ahh ya bastard" and then " love it".

Mind you that guy's got stamina i was exhausted just listening to it!

My eminant national key opinion leader in respiritory medicine has confirmed that he can speak for us at my meeting in April - the fucking bastard, why did he have to get back to me so quickly im off sick for christs sake, now i have to walk over to the other side of the room, turn on the computer and issue some brilliance and genious in the form of an insightful and educating briefing document. Added to that i also have to issue 350 invites. Fucking wanker lol

I feel that i am turning bitter, i don't mind twisted because ive always been that, or even old and cynical, i quite fancy this, because i can look down on younger people and say with all my vast life experience i conclude that you are stupid, the relationship you are in is thwarted, and your parents secretly hate you! With an air of authority when i dont actually know shit.

I think i am going to invest in a shop mobility cart, and a mahogany cane with a silver tip, so i can run small children over, or at least when passing them stab at their ankles causing wounding and possible paralysis, which means later on in life they will also be investing in shop mobility carts and possible walking canes.

See invest in the future! I can imagine it now, a wonderful hoarde of glistening red metalic carts with bitter old farts driving around running children over, and generally causing havock. My own gang of hells old gits ruining lives like dr whos darleks.

And when my friends have aked me what i have done today? my reply will be " oh nothing much........IM JUST TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!"

(Warning - interferon/ribivirin, can cause pregnancy, obesity , a strange obsession with chocolate cheesecake, a love of cliff richard and electric shock treatment - batteries not inclided!)

The GOG INDEX

2007-03-15T04:51:00.000-07:00

May i first say, that i cannot take this as my original work it is purely from the hepcforum

I am pleased to announce my latest contribution to medical science. Due to the lack of a convenient and user-friendly scale to quantify the psychological effects of interferon/ribavirin treatment, I have developed the following.

For convenience this may be referred to as the 'Grumpy Old Git' or 'GOG' index. It operates on a scale of zero to ten, with benchmarks as follows.

0 - Elated. Something odd has happened. Possible lottery win, proposition from attractive virgin, or announcement of SVR. Otherwise very worrying.

1 - Cheerful. Having a good day. Last day of treatment, or announcement of EVR, otherwise slightly worrying. Treat as temporary insanity.

2 - Normal. Nothing out of the ordinary to report.

3 - A Bit Down. Not quite the normal person, but not shouted at the dog or kids (yet!)

4 - Quiet. A bit irritable and easily upset. Dog and kids wary. Approach with caution.

5 - Grumpy. Downright anti-social. Dog and kids reluctant to occupy same room. TV now a smouldering heap on the front lawn.

6 - Steaming Gently. Throws a wobbly at the slightest disturbance. Dog and kids reluctant to occupy same house. Postman approaches with trepidation. Computer has joined TV on front lawn.

7 - Withdrawn. Sullen, moody and depressed. Dog and kids leaving home. Postman refuses to call. Partner considering emigration. Neighbours calling estate agents.

8 - Depressed. Introspective and aggressive. Taxi drivers and busses refuse to drive up street. Police patrol nervously in threes.

9 - Suicidal. Seriously depressed. If there was a gun to hand a funeral would be needed. Offers of free ammunition from neighbours.

10 - Euthanasia required. Somebody find a gun quick!

Informed readers will quickly realise the benefits of the GOG index, in that the psychological state can now be accurately conveyed in a simple number, and no longer needs lengthy explanation, thus saving precious health resources. With this in mind, the numbers have been kept to ten to prevent doctors running out of fingers.

For general guidance it is suggested that driving be restricted to levels of GOG4 and below, except for supermarket trolleys which are, of course, exempt.

Dealing with petty officials is best reserved for periods between GOG4 and GOG6, when most satisfaction can be obtained.

I fully expect the index to be universally adopted forthwith as it represents a major medical breakthrough.

i think it is so appropriate! Finally there is a scientifically validated means of measuring how off the wall ive got since starting treatment!

its foggy out there, heck its foggy in here

2007-03-15T02:11:00.000-07:00

Ok first things first!

I may be a little devil! the picture on the previous post was taken last halloween but i dress like this every day! honest - well to be honest it usually alternates between devil and superman!

Im the one on the left taken at brighton Pride! These are some very close friends of mine, and they are all little stars!

But think i need to show you that i can actually be normal although this is usally with copious amounts of substances just to make my nervous twitch calm down! - i am only joking - that is to say there is nothing abnormal about people with facial twitches, large feet or adults that dress for the occaision! xxx

So thought id better show you a relatively normal picture lol!

thats the one on the right strangely enough!

Well am off work at the moment, woken up this morning and feel really weird, like im coming down from an acid trip but without any of the fun before hand - damn!

Have got some work to do today, i have a launch meeting for a new study thats been published in respiritory medicine for all the doctors and nurses in Brighton and Hove and should really answer my voice mails and emails to find out if the speaker has been confirmed, but everytime i look at my work mobile panic sets in. still feel the fear and do it anyway lol.

One thing to be wary of on treatment for hep c is that interferon just wipes out your levels of seretonin in the brain or can do, this is your happy hormone, everytime youve laughed at an old lady tripping up or a little kid running into a lamp post which happens quite a lot here - (must be something to do with the trip wires i set round hove) seretonin is released.

I think i dont have any at the moment its either the medication or the copious amounts of ecxtacy and raves i attended when younger! As a result im anxious, and have started having panic attacks. Its probably the meds!

Well there are two things i can do 1) either take a trip to Asda, where everyone is fat and ugly, which instantly makes me feel better, or 2) Whatch the programme Jeremy Kyle where people come on TV and talk about how they slept with their mothers sisters pet hamster and how it has ruined their life because they cant stop shopping at matalan and buying tan furry cushions! Again this instantly makes me feel better because i can look at my sofa and think aha! no tan furry cushions on my sofa! I have brown suede ones i am so mush more classy!

Anyway bettwr get on with today, think im going to buy a tan furry cushion!. x

last post before bed

2007-03-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

ok well think im starting off well, i think but am going to start chatting a bit about hepc now, so hopefully people can use it as a resource, im also going to add links to resourse sites, and there is already a link here from www.ronmetcalfe.com/hepcforum

This is a useful forum full of people pre treatment, during and post treatment. I joined the other day, and the support ive got has been fab already, but if i can give any help out there please do not hesitate to contact me.

Just to give some facts 180million people have it world wide, 340 million have hep b, left untreated it can cause liver cirossis/ liver cancer death. god thats grim but the difference between this and other blood bourne virus's out there is this can be treated and cured, unlike HIV.

Im now into 17 weeks of treatment of 48 and its been an interesting journey so far!

Treatment at present consists of a weekly injection of pegylated interferon and daily anti retrovirals ribivirin. This is a two pronged attack the interferon boosts the bodies production of white blood cells to tackle the virus and the ribivirin stops the virus replicating.

Side effects have been interesting lol, ive had anaemia where you dont have enough red blood cells so you get tired and breathless, its interesting feeling like an 80 year old when your 31.

I have found myself doing pleasant adult things like visiting historic sites and sunday lunch rather than 10 pints a kebab and hangover, which has been great in a strange other worldy way.

In addition there is ALWAYS A SILVER LINING - ive lost a stone and a half in weight and have still been able to eat copious amounts of cadburys wholenut!

Last friday i hadnt been out on the gay scene for ages and realised i had these leather trousers hanging in the wardrobe hadnt fitted into them since iwas 26.

BINGO they fitted like a glove and i had a great night! I havnt used the name leather adventurer for nothing you know (dirty mischaevous grin).

Anyway recently other side effects have been making this merry go round more interesting, imagine being constantly stoned or have a touch of alzheimers lol i had already but its just got worse hehe.

And finally have been signed off work this week due to panic attacks and anxiety caused by the bloody interferon. Personally think it should be called an injection of interfering with normal life, but heyho!

But friends keep me sane i think but maybe the real madness is knowing your not!???

ok now im mad!

2007-03-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

Why does technology not come with big fisherprice buttons and instructions that can be followed! I have a degree in biomedical science, am able to do numerous tests in a laboratory, have held management positions in the pharmaceutical industry, but cannot simply upload a photo on my profile.

ok panic over, 2 burritos eaten with large ammounts of mayonaise and a bigglass of red wine, now i just dont care!

Think google are conspiring against me making this blog! what i would really like is someone from google to come round say im sorry lewis let me take this photo with me, and it will be on your profile tomorrow at nine am.

I then wake up with the sun shining in, james browns i feel good playing in the back ground, and little birds flying my computer over to me snow white style to rest on my lap, mean while squirells and bunnies have made me eggs on toast and a cup of tea. I then turn on my computer go to my page and there are my phots nestled neatly among the text.

I can dream lol

hello guys

2007-03-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

Hope im doing this right as computers and technology have never been my strong point!

Just a little something about me, at the moment im signed off work, so hence starting the blog as im going stir crazy lol! Im a gay man in Brighton Uk and try and enjoy life to the full. I was diagnosed with hep c last year and am on treatment at the moment. So i guess this blog is an outlet of how im feeling what im doing and where im going. My god i dint think i was that profound - it must be the drugs, mmmmmm!

anyway, i hope to get to know fellow bloggers, and also let you know a little wee bit about Brighton, my favourite city by the sea.

So here goes, oh and i just tried to import some photos from picassa onto the new profile, so if you see a photo of me on the tube or a rather kinky photo of me floating around in cyberspace, either laminate them or post them back with a ransom note! wink wink